


rituals for financially desperate beginners

by dairywrites



Category: Archive 81 (Podcast)
Genre: Dark Magic, Gen, Magic, Recipes, Rituals, Unreality (content warning), Unsanitary (content warning), fan rituals, magical thinking, sorcery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:06:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27306745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dairywrites/pseuds/dairywrites
Summary: Do you yearn to, one day, "own" a home? Have you any aspirations for basic financial stability? Are you desperate enough to tamper with true magic? Look no further—this is totally the guide for you! As I like to say: the road to success is paved with self-focused intentions. A few years of grinding, hard work, and genuine sorcery can produce momentary but satisfactory illusions of freedom under capitalism! Think you have what it takes to engage in sorcery? Do you have the can-do attitude of a social-ladder-climber? Follow the steps in my absolutely FREE sample collection of wealth-accruing ritual recipes, inspired by works of the late Michael Waters (may his soul be resting in peace). Just one year ago, I developed the #KeighlissTaylorMethod. Today, I'm my own #GirlBoss, a sorceress, and a homeowner at 23. See what this method can help you accomplish today!
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	rituals for financially desperate beginners

Throughout my adolescence and young adulthood, my mentors and family members have constantly asked me, “Keighliss, what are you planning to do with your life? What are you going to do with a degree in economics?” and I’ve asked myself the same question many times; what _am_ I going to do with my life? You see, for years, I’ve pondered deep questions about the nature of our existence on this lonely rock orbiting the sun but, ultimately, our present bodily existences are torturous within the trappings of human societies—agonizing experiences which are made easier by money. Personally, I take great pride in having survived two recessions in my lifetime because I think it speaks to my resilience as a person. It fills me with the hope that anything is possible! I owe a great deal of my own financial success to the work ethic instilled in me by my parents, whose hard work and dedication in their own respective fields have rewarded them with business connections and expertise that I have been able to inherit and utilize in my own endeavors. Thanks in part to my parents’ personal finance advisor, I’ve been able to use my humble trust fund to kickstart my own business and make it possible for others to do the same! Now, you may be thinking to yourself: _trust fund? I don’t have one of those! My parents weren’t financially responsible or hardworking enough to start a trust fund! Will I still be able to get ahead in life and become my own boss without one?_ The answer is a resounding yes!

You see, hard work and dedication in the professional realm is fine and good and can reap incredible rewards for you when the cards are just right. But what about the realm of magic? After all, what is economics, if not corporate astrology? What the economy but a mass hallucination in which we all assign monetary values to pieces of paper and metal and plastic and computer data? Aren’t we all engaging in a form of magic when we tell ourselves that we need to spend money in order to make money? Just one year ago, I developed the Keighliss Taylor Method and increased my earning potential from 50k to 1200k per month—more than doubling my income—with the help of rituals I researched, designed, and tested myself inspired by the instructional (and inspirational) tapes of the late Michael Waters, a sorcerer and genius who left us too soon. This is more than mere magical thinking. This is bigger than economics and empty promises offered by Fortune 500 millionaires. **I’m here to guide you through tested and proven rituals, of my own patented creation, which will help you gain _total financial stability_ in 10 easy steps… and the first 5 are absolutely free!** If you find yourself satisfied with the results after completing the first half of my 10-step program, you can purchase access to the remaining 5 steps for just $79.99!

The first of these rituals correlates with the first step to becoming your own boss: owning your own home! Finding a job is significantly harder to do if you aren’t willing to relocate for your career. With the help of this ritual, you will be able to call yourself a homeowner within three months’ time. Follow the instructions closely.

 **Gather:** a large terra cotta planter (and saucer) measuring at least 22 inches in diameter, bone meal soil, blood meal soil, dirt, or other sediment within a 2-mile radius of your desired future home, a wire trellis measuring 20 inches in diameter, one or more large heirloom tomatoes, or, if full, ripe tomatoes are not yet in season, one packet of heirloom tomato seeds will suffice. If you are purchasing heirloom tomato seeds online, it is suggested that you use a seed savers exchange which is **_not_** local to your current area or community. Otherwise, whole, fresh heirloom tomatoes are the ideal central component for this ritual. 

If you are an avid composter, you may consider making use of your compost to ensure the best results. Please note that compost containing worms should be thoroughly searched for worms, worm segments, grubs, and other bugs larger than microbes to avoid introducing a lifeform to your tomato plant’s growing space. It is imperative that your tomato plant is the dominant lifeform.

With regards to the soil, dirt, or other sediments collected from the area of your desired future home(s), you may include samples of up to 3 locations to increase your chances of success in completing this ritual and owning your own home. It is advised that you take much more than you think is necessary, as a mistake in the process of this ritual’s completion will require a complete reset of the ritual the following year. If you have access to a greenhouse or indoor grow lamps, you may be able to redo the steps required of this ritual in an indoor setting with regular monitoring to ensure that you can maintain a proper balance of warmth and humidity.

While it is generally advised that you grow tomato plants in late spring, I encourage you to do your own research on tomato-growing as trying to grow a tomato plant while average nighttime temperatures still have not surpassed 55 degrees Fahrenheit (12.8 degrees Celsius) can hinder the growth of your tomato fruits. Growing a tomato plant requires warm temperatures and extraordinarily high humidity levels—between 80% and 90% humidity—so it is suggested that you find a way to maximize humidity for your tomato plant to guarantee healthy fruits. Whether you choose to make your own coverings out of a fine mesh laundry bag, a pop-up hamper, or you would rather invest in a tomato plant cover from a farm or garden supply store, you are more than welcome to do so. Making use of covers like these helps maintain a regular, balmy temperature and humidity level which can accelerate your tomato plant’s growth rate. It will not impact the final results of this ritual if you should choose not to use them. Depending entirely on your region’s climate in the spring and summer, you will need to consider what is best for your tomato plants.

If your current place of residence is situated in a region where your tomato plant is vulnerable to predation from local wildlife, I strongly urge you to take proper measures to protect the integrity of your tomato plant and its fruit growths as they develop over the next 50-80 days. It is totally crucial to this ritual that none of your tomatoes are feasted upon by animals (including insects and other bugs such as grubs and worms), humans, or other creatures. If your tomatoes are eaten prematurely, or at all, by someone other than yourself, you will see no results and will need to begin this ritual over again. 

Prepare your large terra cotta planter by placing it on top of its accompanying saucer and filling one-quarter of it with bone meal. Carefully fill the remainder of the pot to the bottom line of the thick rim at the top with blood meal. Slowly carve out a hole in the middle of the soil using your non-dominant hand, working the soil to the sides of the pot with your forearm. Do not make this hole too wide or deep. stop digging once you reach the layer of bone meal at the bottom and carefully retract your arm from the soil. Measure 1 heaping tablespoon of whatever sediment you have collected from the land within 2 miles of your desired future home. If you have collected samples from more than one location, measure 1 heaping tablespoon from each sample and thoroughly incorporate them with one another. Gently pour this sediment into the hole and fill the hole with more blood meal. 

When the soil is level, slice your heirloom tomato(es) into as many half-inch-thick cross-sections as you are able and spread these slices evenly across the top of the soil. Use as many heirloom tomatoes as is necessary to cover the surface area of the soil, though this should require no more than 2 or 3. Do not crowd the slices. If there is any leftover tomato, it must be eaten raw immediately (without being cooked or prepared in any way), stems included. Any remaining whole tomatoes, which have not been sliced into, you may do with as you wish. I highly suggest making some homemade pasta, as pasta water is a fantastic growing agent. Water which pasta has been cooked in is full of starch; rich in minerals and vitamins. These nutrients are helpful in the growing process of many plants and flowers. This will not interfere with your ritual. If anything, it will speed along the growth and shorten the distance between you and your new home, superstar! Avoid watering your tomato plant with salted or hot water. Let the water cool before feeding it to your tomato plants.

Cover the tomato slices with another layer of blood meal and leave to grow for 50-80 days. Once the plant has reached harvesting maturity, the fruits, ripe and unripe alike, must be severed from the plant and set aside. You must, then, uproot the tomato plant entirely and consume it from root to stem (without washing). Once the plant itself has been consumed in its entirety, you must not eat anything but your harvest of tomatoes until they are completely gone. You must eat the stems present on the tomatoes you harvest. You must eat the entire plant. No other food or drink is permitted during the period of time it takes you (however long that is) to consume all of your tomato fruits. If any tomatoes have begun to rot or have fallen from the vines, **they must be eaten!** **A failure to eat the entire plant will result in the failure of this ritual** and you will need to redo it. However, if you fear that you will be unable to stomach the fallen or rot-softened fruits (or if your fallen tomatoes contain mold spores which would pose a significant danger to your health and safety), you are advised to begin the ritual over again and carefully moderate the tomatoes as they ripen to prevent this mistake from happening again.

Within 6 to 18 days of finishing your tomato plant and fruits, you will receive a phone call from The Realtor in (one of) your location(s) of choice. It will begin offering you various properties for sale, the prices will fluctuate in a pattern which will proceed as follows: low, low, high, low, high, high, low, high, high, high, low, low, high, low, high, and free. You must not engage in a conversation with The Realtor past stating your name very clearly and saying, “I am looking for a house near my future place of work” until The Realtor has offered you its free listing. Once The Realtor has presented you with its **only** free listing, you must very quickly accept this offer by saying exactly that you wish to accept its offer. You must act fast, as The Realtor will not hesitate to proceed to the next listings, which will grow incrementally higher and higher in price. If you pass up the home being offered to you for free, you will be forced to pay the next listing which you agree to pay The Realtor for. These numbers will only increase in price and will soon become impossible to afford. Having fast reflexes will ensure that you are rewarded for your hard work with your zero-dollar, mortgage-and-bills-free, no-strings-attached home since it is impossible to hang up on The Realtor once it has begun offering you listings. Upon accepting its offer, you will have no more than 19 days to make arrangements to move to the house in question.

**Instructions must be replicated to the letter and must be executed without help from outside forces or other human parties, except for the final step!**

It is important to note that, except as otherwise provided for in this ritual, in no event will a party have any liability to the other party for any damages whatsoever arising out of or in connection with this ritual agreement.

Simple as that! In just 3 short months, you too can become a first-time homeowner faster than you ever dreamed! This ritual's benefits (free housing) last for a limited time frame and **you will need to repeat this ritual again if you intend to continue living in this home free of charge for longer than one year.** Keep note of the anniversary of this ritual's performance as you will need to replicate it the following spring (or whenever you first began the process). **When repeating the ritual in order to remain in your new home, simply repeat each of the above steps while using only dirt, soil, or another sediment from an area within twelve feet (or 3.5 meters) of your home.** The Realtor is not guaranteed to offer its listings in the precise order listed previously if the ritual has been performed seven or more times within the span of a decade. However, The Realtor will always offer exactly one cost-free home among its listings.

Good luck, fellow #Grinders, moonlighters, and social-ladder-climbers!

💋💋  
_**Keighliss Rhiannon Taylor**_  
_Influencer, Aspiring Gentrifier & Certified #GirlBoss Sorceress_

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully, this isn't too trippy, cursed, or unreality-triggering but, just in case, **here is a disclaimer:** _this is a fanmade compilation of archive81-inspired rituals. the narrator persona i've developed to be the vehicle of this series of ritual instructions which are tied together with an extremely loose plot is entirely fictional and any likeness she bears to a real person, living or deceased, is coincidental. the instructions put forth in this series, though not illegal or immoral in nature, are not intended to actually be replicated and absolutely will not produce the results which are advertised within them. they are completely based in the weird-fiction universe logic of the archive 81 podcast._
> 
> thanks for reading, i hope that you've enjoyed this sort of experimental (???) fanfic of sorts. i'm trying to go for a middle-of-the-road mixture between early 2000s recipe blogger millennials who write excessive and unnecessarily long and heavily embellished or otherwise fictionalized paragraphs about their 'childhood' on a 3 ingredient recipe for homemade biscuits & those gen z "entrepreneur" multi-level marketing scheme-promoting users on instagram or tiktok who buy cheap shit in bulk from aliexpress and sell them on depop for a "profit" while also soliciting wildly unhelpful 'professional advice' despite being completely and totally out of touch with their working-class counterparts because their families come from upper-middle-class wealth and they have never once struggled in anything financially. as niche and specific as this category of capitalism-lover may seem, it is shockingly broad! this also happens to be the first-ever oc i've created as a protagonist that i actively fucking despise. shoutout to archive 81 for bringing this out of me. motherfucking capitalist-sona..!!!! wannabe billionaire bitch!! lmao.
> 
> anyway. i have a tumblr ([link](https://xkryxx.tumblr.com/)) feel free to follow me there and ask me things. or dm me. whatever floats your boat. or leave a comment here on this very fic and i will definitely be seeing it with my own eyes and feel a sense of overwhelming validation thanks to your interaction with this work.


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